Hand on Heart: What the High Holy Days Taught Me About Self-Compassion

This past week marked one of the most important Jewish holidays: Yom Kippur.

How important is it?

It's like Christmas had a baby with Easter. That big. It's all about reflecting on one's behavior and pounding our chests (literally) for the places we've fallen short. Other religions evenly sprinkle guilt and sin throughout the calendar year. We concentrated it. (Clearly, this is not a blog post for conversion.)

In this day and age, being Jewish is tough. Not only due to antisemitism, but among us there is much acrimony, shame and, for some, pride about Middle Eastern politics. Putting that behind me, I went to shul, or temple, for the sole reason that my family has celebrated this holiday for a thousand years.

I wore my great-grandmother's earrings, simple dangling garnets. A bracelet of my grandmother's, made from a gold watch band. (There were relatives in that business. Some major brand should knock it off; it's amazing!) A gold Jackie O snake necklace of my mother's and my Ted Muehling ring. Simple. And a pendant I share with my daughter, Ava, which I wrote about here.

All five generations of us went to temple, or at least our jewelry did. I could sense my grandmother was proud.

As I stood next to my friend, we reached the part of the service called the Al Chet, the confession. Traditionally, you strike your chest with a fist as each wrongdoing is named.

But I noticed something. My hand didn't pound. It rested over my heart. And then, with the soft caress of a baby kitten, I gently touched my own chest.

I realized, in the season of self-reflection, my major sin has been only one of self-abandonment.

And for that I am not alone.

The belief that something in us is broken

One of the Judeo-Christian traditions holds that we are impure, sinful, and in need of redemption.

But where is the energy that's all-encompassing, kind, generative, and loving? Where's the part of the ritual that says, you are already enough?

You don't need to be religious to feel deficient. Our whole consumer culture runs on it. We're always one product (or service) away from being good enough, or even BETTER than everyone else, right?

How cool does one feel with a stack of Cartier Love bracelets? LMK ;)

"Self-hatred? What is that?"

There's a story I often think about. It's about the Dalai Lama finding out we hate ourselves.

In Sharon Salzberg's account, she attended a small conference of psychologists, scientists, and meditators in India in 1990 with the Dalai Lama. When it was her turn, she asked him, "What do you think about self-hatred?"

The room went silent. He looked startled and turned to his translator, asking again and again in Tibetan for an explanation. Finally, he tilted his head and repeated the words in English: "Self-hatred? What is that?"

Meanwhile, every Westerner in the room understood instantly.

If self-hatred isn't universal, it's learned. And the hope is it can be unlearned.

"I'm sorry my feet are gross"

Most of us don't walk around consciously thinking I hate myself. But we apologize. Constantly.

Over 20 years in practice, thousands of women have come in for real medical problems, but upon bodily examination they apologize.

• "I'm sorry my feet are gross."
• "I'm sorry, I didn't shave my legs."
• "I apologize, I might be sweaty. It was warm on the walk over."

I'd like to state for the record: no man has ever. Not even the gentleman whose toenails smelled like compost. 😆

What Chinese medicine says about the heart and belly

In Chinese medicine, the Heart houses the Shen, often translated as spirit or consciousness. Within that tradition, a settled Shen is associated with sleeping well, thinking clearly, and feeling at home in ourselves. A disturbed Shen is associated with anxiety and restlessness, including that 3 a.m. racing mind so many women in perimenopause know intimately.

Through that lens, chronic self-criticism is a steady disturbance to the Shen. It's like living with an abuser.

The belly, meanwhile, is home to the Spleen and Stomach, the Earth element, our center of nourishment in Chinese medicine. The tradition teaches that overthinking and worry weaken the Spleen.

Many women I see carry their stress right there: bloating, sluggish digestion, a belly strangled under tight panties, chafing G-strings, maybe even pantyhose, and tight jeans. We take off our clothes and there are lines everywhere from where we've stuffed ourselves in.

Kindness, not courtesy

As we move forward, how do we cultivate real kindness toward ourselves? Not polite courtesy, but tenderness?

Most of us talk to ourselves with an aggression we'd never accept from anyone else. If a friend spoke to you the way your inner critic does, you'd stop returning their calls. Yet the criticism continues, often unnoticed.

I wonder: can you speak to yourself in the voice of the person who loves, or loved you, the most?

Touching your body with reverence

For some of us, even touching our bodies with care feels foreign.

When I work with women who have digestive or abdominal issues, I often suggest belly massage at home. And I ask them to do it with the kindness they'd give their favorite animal. Sweet and kind. Gentle.

If you're pregnant, have recently had abdominal surgery, or have a bowel condition, check with your clinician before trying abdominal massage.

Try this simple belly-kindness practice:

1. Lie down and warm your hands by rubbing them together.
2. Rest both palms on your belly and take three slow breaths.
3. Massage in gentle clockwise circles around your navel for 2–3 minutes.
4. Notice any urge to judge. Let it pass like a cloud.
5. End with one hand on your belly and one on your heart. Say "thank you."

Your new year practice: gentleness

As we enter the Jewish year 5787 and head into the final stretch of 2026, what kindness can you bring to yourself?

Start with language. Try saying to yourself:

• "I'm sorry this happened to you."
• "You need a little extra rest right now."
• "You're doing so much. Of course you're tired."
• "Don't be too hard on yourself. You've never done this before."

Then bring kindness into your kitchen. Can you cook for yourself? For you.

Think of a recipe someone made for you when you were young. Make a dish that speaks to your soul and your belly.

In Chinese medicine, warm, cooked, nourishing food is traditionally used to support the Spleen and ground the spirit.

Hand on heart

Next time you feel the urge to apologize for your body, don't. You have nothing to apologize for.

You are not broken. You never were.

Warmly, Dr. Catherine

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Photograph by Sasha Israel.